Very Late 2nd Week

Oh my goodness gracious...I have been busy.  I'm just barely one month old and I have been so very, very busy.  Let's see...a snapshot of my life since last I wrote...or rather had Mommy write for me (my hands are too small to type on a keyboard just yet, but soon...world domination...or at least keyboard domination).  OK, so since there is a lot to cover, I'll break it down into each week.

Anyway...Mommy, Daddy, and Anya decided I needed to experience steep elevation changes and the "great outdoors."  They loaded me up in the dreaded car seat, packed a bag with drinks and cookies, swung by the store to pick up fried chicken, Crab Louis salad, and a horrible Greek wrap, then drove FOREVER AND EVER.  I don't know where they thought they were going, but I kid you not I was in the car for like 2 hours.  Seriously, don't they know I hate the car seat?!!  It was the worst possible thing ever.  Really.  I mean...I might have slept through the whole thing, but on a subconscious level, I know I hated every second of the car ride.  And to make matters worse, when we got where we were going there was nothing around but fresh air, wide open, tree-infested spaces, a beautiful lake, noisy people, and (once we got off the beaten path) peace and quiet.  They drug me out in the middle of nowhere to experience the great outdoors.  Don't they have pictures for that sort of thing?  I mean what could I have gotten (apart from fresh air, sunshine, a cool breeze, and tranquility) out in the mountains that I couldn't have gotten from the internet?  Oh right...all of it...  Well, whatever.  I still insist the car ride was unnecessarily long.  Aside from all of that, there was this spot with a big blue X on the ground.  You could stand in this spot and just talk normally and it would echo back to you.  How freaking cool is that?!!  Mommy wouldn't let me stand there!  OK, so truthfully, she suggested waiting until I woke up and started screaming to put me in that spot and see what happened and Daddy wouldn't let her, but either way...I was not allowed to experience the echo spot.  Anyway, flowers and stuffs.  OH, OH!  I forgot.  Daddy KIDNAPPED ME!  He was pushing my stroller down this quiet path in the forest and just ran off with me!  Mommy and Anya were screaming for him, but he just ran off.  Mommy wasn't happy...but she was more unhappy about going back uphill to get to the car.  I don't know why...I didn't strain going back up (of course I was in my stroller...and car seat...I hate that thing).  There were even this two old ladies and a big furry, smelly, animal (a.k.a. dog) down the path that I slept through.  They said I was the most beautiful baby in the world...like I didn't already know that (silly women, teehee).

Mommy got a giant fruit basket from her Orange County Office.  It was big and cold and full of fruits Mommy wasn't allowed to eat like chocolate dipped strawberries, pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, and grapes.  Mommy was mean to me.  She ate it all anyway...how rude?!

I had my first actual bath...because the one in the sink just wasn't enough torture.  Explain to me what Daddy was thinking when he sported his swim trunks, climbed into a tepid bath and slowly began to shiver, then rudely put me right in there with him?!!  Hello!  I hate baths in the sink!  Why would you put me in a much, MUCH, larger bath and expect me to like it?!  It was awful and for once, Daddy agreed with me (apparently he doesn't like to be right very often because he doesn't usually agree with me).

And that was my second week alive...keep reading for my exciting third!!!

It Starts...

You would not believe what happened to me almost two weeks ago.  There I was minding my own business sucking on my hands and contemplating the universe when the most annoying thing happened...I was born!  Can you believe that?!  I know!  Shocked the pee out of me...literally.  I mean, what did I do to deserve being evicted from my comfy bachelorette pad?  I mean the view sucked and it got a bit crowded in the end, but I had all the food and drink I could want, it was warm, and the neighbors weren't too bad, then suddenly  *BAM* slapped with an eviction notice.  The landlady only gave me about 8 hours to move out too...rude much?

I was so rudely thrust out into the cold that my umbilical cord got wrapped around my neck and if that hasn't happened to you recently, let me just remind you...it's not pleasant.  Then the doctor has this guy I later found out was my dad cut my umbilical cord.  WHAT GIVES?!  Just because it tried to strangle me doesn't mean you needed to cut it off like that!  I didn't even get to say goodbye.  I was sort of attached to it for the past 40 weeks and then NOPE, CUT IT OFF!!  Then the worst of all happened.  They ripped me away from a comfortable pair of food dispensers and poked me, prodded me, tested my reflexes, wiped me down in the most undignified of fashions, shined a lot of light in my eyes...I could go on, but the memories of such indignation are just too much.

Then there was a short time when they all went away and I met three people.  The one with the food dispensers, that's mommy.  The scruffy one with the beard, that's daddy.  And the one with the food dispensers that don't work, that's my anya.  I guess that is Hungarian for grandmother...who knew, right?  Anyway, I got to sleep on mommy's chest (not a bad place to fall asleep if I do say so myself) and for a whole hour...we were left alone.

Then life went downhill again.  We spent the night in the hospital, I learned how NOT to breastfeed (the politically correct term for food dispensers is apparently breasts), I kept messing my "diaper" (I call it the baby torture device), mommy learned how NOT to swaddle, and sleep happened.  The next day, we left the hospital.  I learned that car seats are Satan's creation and way worse than the diapers.  Mommy and Anya took me to see Daddy at work...I was barely 24 hours old and already meeting my adoring fans.  It's such a curse to be popular.  :D

I went home, met the cats, got sneezed on by the grey and white one, and slept.  Then the next day, I slept and ate and pee'd and poo'd and slept some more.  It was a pretty sweet deal...until the bath.  I don't care who you are, there is no such thing as a relaxing bath.  Not when it involves a stack of towels, a "warm" bowl of water, a wash clothe, and Daddy taking pictures and laughing the entire time.  It was awful and cold not to mention undignified.

A few peaceful days passed and I went to my very first doctor's appointment.  And boy was that a disaster.  Get this.  They told mommy to show up at 8 for an 8:15 appointment to fill out the insurance paperwork, but there was no way she could possibly fill out my employment history, personal reference information, and insurance information, plus the 6 sheets of other useless and inapplicable information in 15 minutes.  When the nurse called us back, she was rude and unhelpful.  She demanded that I be stripped of all my worldly possessions (which to be honest was fine since I had messed my diaper, my shirt, my blanket, and my car seat on the way over), then she wouldn't even let daddy throw away the diaper or whips.  I was hungry and crying starting about 8 a.m., but mommy wouldn't feed me until after the doctor finished up.  Only he didn't even bother showing up to work until 9:15 and stood around with the nurses chatting about his vacation.  When he did bustle in after daddy stormed out, he said, "Sorry I'm late.  I got caught in traffic coming in from Beverly Hills."  I had to leave the house at 6:30 a.m. to make my appointment!  Plan ahead!!  All in all, he held me upside down to check my spine, pushed my feet around, chastised mommy because I was screaming and he couldn't hear my heartbeat, and was done in 7 minutes.  By the time we left, it was 9:30 and I still hadn't eaten.  Mom fed me in the car despite being "allowed" to stay in the room longer to feed me because why would we want to spend anymore time dealing with people who clearly have more important things to do...like discuss their hangovers from a six day party with the nurses.

Needless to say, Daddy found me a new pediatrician and I saw her the next day.  She listened to my heart, tickled my toes, answered mommy and daddy's questions, and was overall very sweet.  I'm going back to see her in two days for a weight check and follow up.  We'll see how big I've gotten then!

And that's the abbreviated story of my life so far...more later next week!